You stop at red lights. You follow the rules. You check the premises. You wait for the perfect moment. You cross the road. You then go with the flow. You expect nothing, but an ordinary day.
Then out of nowhere, a car hits you.
Indeed, no matter how prepared you are for it, you will not see it coming.
This just happened to me today. The very first thing in the morning. And I cannot let the day end without releasing it. I cannot bear it.
About 7 months ago, I had to pick between a “YES” or “NO” to romance. And it was a solid “NO”, with a lot of fears of the consequences. A bit complicated because we are friends. But as catastrophic as it may be, saying YES without meaning it to be a YES is not a fair break.
When you said “No”, you know you’ll lose a part of him. And that is bearable. Because that is what to be expected out of circling the drain. But you also expected, that he only needs time to recover. A bit of space, then everything will fall into place again.
When you said “No”, all of your fears of losing a good friend vanished. Because he said nothing will change. Relieved and utterly happy for how the conversation started and concluded. Stay as friends, he said. And you did. But you knew something has changed. You let it be because you think that’s the way he wanted it to be for a moment.
When you said “No”, it was not long after that that he found the one who completes him, as he said. And you were quietly being happy for him. Because your “No” was not in vain. It led him to a blessed road. But little did you know that you were losing him bit by bit along that road.
When you said “No”, you hoped you’d stay as friends. And you were naïve enough to believe that it could really happen without any complications. At first it was working. Sincerely, you thought it is possible. But as it turned out, you did not just lose a part of him. You lost the entirety of his existence.
When you said “No”, the being friends meant cutting ties. And when he finally said the words you feared to hear, it hit you like a car crashing at its maximum speed. At first you do not know what hit you. But you were certain that you are more than just bruised. Then you felt the impact.
And you were trying to understand what just happened, how to react on it, how to deal with it. The situation is far more difficult because you are away from your loved ones. No one is on-call for a rescue.
You’ve seen the signs of the hit. In the hallways, in the stoplights. You ignored it. You do not care that much actually. Because you know, in time, you are still going to be as good friends as before. But now you are certain. It has been sealed. It is never to happen. And it is painful to be left behind without so much of a warning.
You are aware of the part where he wants it to be perfect with The One. To run it as smoothly as possible. To give up some damaged goods. To gain the love he desires. You want the same things for him, too. You want him to be as happy as he could possibly be.
And now you are trying to understand how you are feeling. The streaks of emotions passing and lingering. You guess, maybe you are not just used to it. Because you are a keeper. You do not throw away things. You do not throw away good times. You do not throw away people.
Is losing a friend for love a fair lose? You tell me.
After all, it was just a “YES” or a “NO”.